Would you like to be UnHooked from the pain in your life?

Posted by Karen on February 9th, 2012

Unhooked book cover image

Hey everyone.

I just wanted to let you know that you can now pre-order my upcoming book entitled, “Unhooked! 7 Steps To Emotional Freedom”.

When you PRE-ORDER your copy of UnHooked! 7 Steps to Emotional Freedom, I’ll send you an autographed copy, and as a special bonus, you’ll get immediate access to a recorded Breakthrough Conference Webinar where I share about the 7 Steps. The book will be coming soon so consider getting your copy ordered now.

Here is the link to pre-order: www.unhooked7stepstoemotionalfreedom.com

5 Reasons You Should Seek Healing

Posted by Karen on July 28th, 2010

Living A Secret

Posted by Karen on July 27th, 2010

We all have “stuff ” that has happened to us in our past that we do not want to remember and want to keep a secret from others.  Some of that “stuff “is not so impactful and we can deal with it on our own.  Maybe we can learn someting from it,  or  perhaps  it has made us wiser about future decisions or choices.  That in itself  is good. 

Yet it is those impactful secrets that we really need to consider.  Many women keep the secret of an abortion,  an assault, a molestation, or a physical/emotional beating to themselves.    The secret seems to be a form of protection.  It seems to be a protection from lowered self-worth, guilt, fear, and even empowerment.      

Yet, it is not.   A secret is often a hook.  It is often keeping a women from moving forward.  Impactful secrets eat away at a women’s sence of self.   Secrets silence hope. 

Women do not seek support from a past experience for numerous reasons.  They may convince themself that the situation was “not a big deal”.  They may assume it is not safe to talk to anyone.  They may have been taught to “suck it up”.  Or maybe they are just plain scared to face the story!

I am not telling you that you should run out and tell everyone you meet about your struggle.  What I am encouraging you with is that you should consider finding a safe place to expose your secret,  so it does not have any more power over you.  It seems so big when you are running from it, but I guarantee you that if you look at the “secret” in the face, it will shrink.  It only has power if it chases you.        

If you are holding a secret and you know it is impacting your life, then I encourge you to challenge it’s power.  Find a safe place to get ‘unhooked”.   Woman to Woman is here to help.  Go to www.mybestlifepossible.com and decide if that may be the safe place you are looking for.  There are numerous telephone services available, so location is not a barrier.

The Lie About Shame

Posted by Karen on July 15th, 2010

Numerous women who have been sexually molested as a young girl grow up feeling shameful.  They carry the shameful act of someone else on themselves,  often not recognizing that this shameful feeling is  false guilt. 

Shame (false guilt) pushs you  into dark places.  It causes you to hide and hold secrets.  It tells you to stay far away from God,  and others.  This false guilt teaches you that you are unworthy and deserve to be punished. 

Yet, the shame is not yours to carry.  If you were molested, abused, or harmed in any way, it was not your fault.   No one deserves that kind of treatment.   The shameful act of another does not have the right to steal your self-worth.  You have permission to take it back.  

Your value is not based on someone else’s  actions.  It is based on the fact that you are created in the image of God as a human being – a valuable human being.  Someone chose to disbelieve that truth and harmed you.  But now that you are an adult you have the power to shake the shameful feelings off you.  You are no longer powerless.

Do you recognize the difference between shame and guilt?  Do you know how to ‘unhook’ yourself from the impact of yesterday’s pain?  If not, know that you can get support.  Go to www.mybestlifepossible.com to gain the help you need.  You are worth it!

You Are Normal!

Posted by Karen on July 15th, 2010

Too many women think they are not normal. 

They worry that they think weird. 

They are certain no one else has wacky thoughts. 

Often when a woman has been wounded emotionally, physically, or sexually her belief system about life can become hazy.  Many of her thoughts are filtered  through  those experiences.  Because of this she questions her persepctive about life.  As she finds healing from the affects of the story she has has lived,  she will begin to recognize just how normal she really is!   She will see that her thinking can be challenged.

I believe most women  are normal.  The real issue is that  they deal with their problems in an abnormal and unhealthy way.   This in turn, skews the way they think about something.  Over time, they come to believe the skewed thoughts as truth.   

It is not the thought that is the problem.  It is what you do with the thought that matters.  You  are not responsible for your initial thought about something.    You cannot control an initial thought.  But you can control what you will do with the thought.  

I hold to this principle…. what you feed grows, what your starve dies.   So, if you make a decision to not feed an unhealthy thought (in other words, continue to mull it over and over in your head)  it will not grow.   Those thoughts will eventually die. 

Are you a women who worries that you are not normal?  Do you feel certain that “no one else thinks this way”.  Trust me, you are not alone.  Don’t be too hard on yourself.  If you are concerned that your “thinking’ is causing distress in your life, then make the decision to get some support.

6 Reasons Why It Is Hard To Set Boundaries

Posted by Karen on July 15th, 2010

Why are we sometimes afraid or reluctant to set a healthy boundary for ourselves?  What gets in the way?  I have 6 reasons why I feel we might get stuck in the non-action mode. 

1.  We do not believe in ourselves.   We are told our value is based on our performance.  So since we each know our shortcomings, we do not believe we have the right to a healthy boundary.

2.  We do not know what we want.  Many of us have not planned out our life.  We just live it by default, hoping it will all turn out OK.  Some of us have trouble distinguishing between self-care and selfishness, making it impossible to act upon legitimate needs.

3.  We are afraid of what we might lose.   Face it, sometimes it seems better to “give in” then fight for something.  This can be especially true for those women who have been cornered into depending on others to meet their basic needs.  Many times the risk of losing the relationship seems more overwhelming than the present situation.

4.  It is hard work.   You bet it is!  It takes consistency, courage, and stamina to change a negative boundary into a positive one.  New boundaries do not change over night.  Others try to wear you down.  Circumstances seem insurmountable.   The old saying that you don’t get something for nothing fits with the hard work it takes to build a new direction in your relationships and life.

5.  Afraid that others will get mad at you.  The thing is that there will be those who resist the changes you want to make.  If you change, inevitably they will need to respond, because your actions will impact them.  I liken it to a mobile… all the pieces have to move, even if they do not want to.   The bottom line is this… this is your life and you need to make healthy decisions for yourself, no matter what others say.

6.  You do not want to make a mistake.  Too many women are paralyzed by fear of making a mistake.  Inaction is a mistake in itself, yet that is often not recognized.  Nobody gets it right all the time.  Yet, if you determine to problem solve and search out wise advice, the potential for making mistakes is greatly lessened.

Do not allow yourself to be stuck in a rut of unhealthy boundaries in your relationships.  Take  ownership of your life.  Ultimately, you decide the path it will go.  I hope  it will be the best one possible.

Regret

Posted by Karen on July 15th, 2010

It seems some decisions in life  carry a sense of regret.  For many women, abortion is one of those decisions.  Any woman I have spoken to who felt they made the wrong decision to terminate their pregnancy stress that they are still regretful,  regardless of how long ago they had the abortion.    So how do they come to grips with this?  How do they settle in their heart to not become stuck because of their action? 

Over and over again,  I hear the same response.  They have experienced forgiveness from God and from themselves.  Some did this by participating in a support group or getting one-on-one counselling support in order to find direction in regards to healing .  Many have agreed that the journey was long and painful.  Yet, the sense of freedom they feel because they had a place to lay their regret is undeniable.   Gaining healing from the impact of the abortion seemed so unreachable until the knowledge of God’s grace became real.   Although each woman acknowledges that she will never be able to forget about the baby she never had,  all have come to accept that Someone greater than them gave them the peace of mind they had longed for. 

Do you hold regret in your heart about an abortion decision you made in the past?  Do you desire peace for yourself?   Perhaps you will find the road to healing at www.mybestlifepossible.com.   Support is there for you.

3 Types of Boundary Setting

Posted by Karen on July 15th, 2010

There are 3 common ways in which I see woman setting boundaries in their life.  

1.  The  “brick wall” [seen as being pushy] . 

The trouble with this type of boundary is that nobody can get into your life, and you often cannot get into anybody else’s.  The brick wall is made up of hurt, disappointment, and unfulfilled expectations (some are legitimate and some are not).  The wall is kept together by anger.  Look out for the poor person who tries to get close to you.  They consistently experience a volcano of anger.  This type of boundary often produces numerous “cut-off” relationships.  It can make for a very lonely and bitter-filled life. 
 

 2.   The second type of boundary setting is what I call the “border fence” [seen as a pushover]. 

This is where your boundary is so low that anyone can walk over it.  It resembles those border fences you put around your flower garden.  It means nothing to someone who wants to walk on your flowers.  All they have to do is step over it.  People who put up these type of boundaries often feel victimized.  When they feel “walked on” they blame others for their unhappy life. 
  

3.  The third boundary, and the one I suggest is the the healthy one, is what I call the “plexiglas” boundary [seen as assertive]. 

You can see out, and everyone can see in.  There are no surprises about who you are and what you stand for.  The neat thing about the plexiglas is that it is also flexible.  So you can adjust your boundaries now and then.  The boundary for one person is not the same as that for another.  Plexiglas is also a type of protection from outside debris.  You can see what is coming and prepare yourself for how to handle it. 

Plexiglas boundaries allow you to control your life, while also respecting those who you do, or do not, allow into the boundary.  People do not have to try to break it down, like they do with the brick wall, and they cannot step over it whenever they feel like it, like the border fence.  
 
What boundary do you have set up for your life? 

Do you seem to always be “walked on”  in your relationships? 

Do you relate to others in a way where they  feel they need to “break into” your life in order to have a relationship?

Or,  are you approachable,  flexible, and feeling in control of your relationships?

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